Some of you, dear ones all, have written to ask me how things are going for me and my family. To illustrate the general state of my feelings on the matter, yesterday I came extremely close to ripping this f***ing banner off the wall and tossing it out the window:
Working full-time has been a huge adjustment, but in general, good for me, I think. It's good to be out of the house, away from the stress of the job-search and other issues. The downside, is, of course, missing my children's days, and as an offshoot of that, feeling guilty for every second of non-work time spent away from them. I'm not making enough money to solve any of our problems, but it puts food on the table, and that's...not nothing.
I have new appreciations for lots of things that I previously took for granted: health insurance, time to be bored, a meal out now and again, the ability to get one's car serviced if the need arises. None of these things are a part of my life anymore, and that's scary. We've been without real income for over a year. But: we're doing "the best we can, with what we've got, where we are" (thank you, Teddy Roosevelt). And, although it becomes increasingly clear that our home here will not be "forever" as we had planned, I am proud of us. No unemployment benefits, no insurance, no safety net at all--I would have thought we'd be hard-pressed to get out of bed in the morning (and that might have actually been the case, but for the children, whose daily need of us is a non-negotiable pull to the coffee-maker). In reality, we've handled it pretty amazingly, if I do say so myself--with humor, hard work, and ever the annoyingly-positive attitude.
Which is in no way meant to imply that we don't have our "down" moments (reference the banner-incident, above). Every now and then I'm stricken with terror, real terror. And I don't know that I believe anymore in any sort of "higher being" looking out for us--mostly I feel very, very alone. But that is, I would imagine, part of the process? (And I hope, without expectation, to be proven wrong, at least on that score...)
Have a great week, all. Thanks for reading.