what hearts do best

Hello, dearies! 

I just finished reading over your comments of the past week or so (yet again, I do it daily), and I'm so incredibly inspired by what you shared with me.  I have a totally new understanding of the value of sharing, even in blog-form, and I'm really glad to be on the blogging side of "good" (acceptance, growth, reality, appreciation of what we have here and now) and not "evil" (wanting, feelings of inadequacy, wishing for recognition, desire for perfection in one's home, children, life).  I feel very strongly that with my tiny blog, I want to be in the group that encourages each person to find her own path to happiness, not the one that encourages a certain "perfect" way.  Even some blogs that, I feel sure, have no intention of instilling feelings of inadequacy in any way often do make me feel inadequate, and I simply can't visit them anymore (and while it's possible that this is more my problem than theirs, I do think there are a few women out there that set a ridiculously high standard).  I certainly hope that's never, ever the case when you visit here.  I'm all about keeping it real, and I'm actually really, really proud of that.

Your comments were so wonderful, each and every one, and I'm incredibly grateful for them all.  There are a few that I want to pass on to you, because lots of you shared a tiny slice of your own life with me in such a giving and articulate way.  With my original post on our struggles here in our home one of the things I wanted to address, even tangentially, is the overwhelming urge some of us feel to purchase things we do not need in a desire to make ourselves feel better.  I am firmly convinced that, especially among women, this is an epidemic, and that it's something we could stand to be more honest about in this handcrafted/blogging/creative community.  Because you know what?  I'm here to tell you that you can purchase every single thing your heart "desires," and it won't make the slightest bit of difference to your sense of self-worth (take it from me--I tried). 

In that vein, please, please read what Hilary said, about her ideas for helping herself handle the urge to unnecessary acquisition when she finds herself confronted with it.  She says that now, she's developing new habits, like these:

 "I'm working on a list of affirmations/redirections, as well as a list of my skills and abilities that could bring me the same happiness (or even the same item).  These are for reading when I get all wanty.  For example: "I want new toys/clothes/educational materials/books for my daughter."  That really means, "I want my daughter to feel loved/stimulated." or "I want or like a certain item and I am using my daughter as an excuse to acquire it."  Alternatives: Make something special for or with her, reinvent something we already own, reorganize her room, spend time with her reading/playing/making art, go to the library, work in the yard together, or acknowledge that it is my desire and not hers." 

Yes!  I think this is so brilliant, I really do, and if I had figured it out ten years ago, my life would be very, very different today.   This is, I think, very much like a person who turns to food or alcohol or anything else for comfort, and has to stop and re-assess what it is that they really need at that moment.  And then take the steps to provide that for herself (and her family) in a healthy way.  I love it.  I love it so much, and I'm going to put this into practice.  Thank you, Hilary!

And then sweet Holly!  Holly always cuts through the fluff to tell me what is really going on.  She makes me see why our struggles are not only okay, but necessary for us to become the people we really want to be...for ourselves, our families, and our world:

"Having come through some unlikely and horrible things in my life many would find hard to believe or imagine, I understand how these things really can make us better, and stronger, and I like to believe, more capable of compassion, love, joy and the ability to take action when needed to improve what is around us, to stand up to injustice, to recognize when someone is hurting and to reach out, to simply connect wholly with the world."

Amen. 

And my dear Sandra, always insightful and dear, hit the nail on the head regarding perfectionism (the curse of well-meaning women everywhere) and the idea that wherever we are, right now, it's all part of our journey, and that makes it precious:

"[With regards to one's problems], you know there is no outcome, it's all twists and turns on the garden path of life.  For a long time I kept searching for the end of that path and thinking that there would be a little slice of perfection under a big old oak tree for me and my family and that we would live happily ever after once I found that perfect little spot (and furnished it just like the pages of a magazine).  I've only recently realized that my slice of perfection is right here, now, in front of me.  It always has been.  It's my precious little family.  And the garden path is there for us to walk down together and the perfect part is that it doesn't have an ending, it continues on with twists, turns, bumps and even the occasional big dark storm but together we can weather it and together we can pick the flowers and enjoy the sunny times and discover new things.  If I open myself up to it.  And that's been the hard part, but I'm learning."

Me, too!...So thank you for your comments of support and love and insight.  They are keeping me going, one day at a time.

One last thing, if you can stand it:  I remember, back in my over-spending days, wanting, feeling absolutely compelled, to make my life, and that of my children, "look" a certain way.  A way that I thought would tell the world that I was an incredible mother and wife, that I was finally a worthwhile person, and that I didn't hate myself.  And that was the root of it all.  But now, of course, I know that all those things are true and that I don't have to show anyone anything.  And I realize now, like Sandra and Hilary and Holly, wise-women all, that a life-well-lived shines through in the people you care about, and the love you give, and that the only perfection to be found on this crazily whirling planet we call home is in the providing of comfort to each other.  THAT'S IT.

I'm so grateful.  For it all.  For my mistakes.  And my dear, dear friends.  And my sweet family.  And my heart, which always and ever strives to love.  That's what hearts do best, after all. 

That's why we're here.

Whew!  Thanks so much for reading.  Cheers!

xoxox.

Comments

[hillary a.]

I'm really glad that my comment resonated for you, Amy, because your many posts often do the same for me. :)

[katiecrackernuts]

I feel so very special for having been taken on this path with you. Thanks for sharing ... 'specially that bit about ditching blogs that made you feel like life was crazy out of control (what's with that). And for so much else. So much. Good stuff. Can't take the scary shit away, but I think you're right. Reaching out seems to be resonating with lots of people. Well done you.

[Jane]

So much awesome wisdom here. Thanks for sharing. The *best* part of blogging for me has been having role models who do things differently than my own upbringing, neighbors, community. I have learned so much about life from these mentors.

[Kris]

I recently saw this quote and it is something I think fitting for life. "Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." ~Guillaume Apollinaire

[Kathryn A]

"I don't have to show anyone anything" - this, I think, is the key to so much. You do, of course, in life, have to show people everything, all of you, and then listen to their response, and it can be so uncomfortable and confusing, but in the end, we have learn to make our choices as if it was only us. What would still bring us joy if we were the only people to ever see it, or participate, or read? If you couldn't discuss this, or show it to anyone, would you still be just as excited by it?

It's so hard to sort through it all, but the incredible attention you are focusing on these things is going to serve you so well! (And the rest of us listening).

Thanks again for sharing so much.

[Holly]

How can I do anything but smile after that post? Keep on keeping on, Amy.

[Amy Hanson]

Kris, it's one of my favorites too!: http://sweetsweetlife.tumblr.com/post/355499794/now-and-then-its-good-to-pause-in-our-pursuit-of

Aren't we just so smart?! :o)

[Amy Hanson]

Holly, xoxox.

[Amy Hanson]

Kathryn, you are so right. I wrote that sentence, "I don't have to show anyone anything" without giving it a lot of thought--but you're right when you say there's a great deal to think about there. I love the way made it practical, and I'm going to add those questions to my new arsenal! Thank you. xoxo.

[Julie]

Wow Amy,
That's wise and good of you to share. Blogging helped me alot with facing Beer's autism. His blog is from 2006 when i was busy dealing with therapy and the fact that it's quite difficult and ofcourse the dolphin therapy part in Florida, since then the pictures of a day that was not such a perfect one made it good because i saw how beautiful he was, and is...and all my fear and grief went away. That's why i think blogging helps one to overcome one's own sadness by making their lifes just a bit nicer than it really is. Sort of a therapy for them selves instead of making other people feel bad, they don't have that "perfect" life..hope i wrote this okay in my english :-))

[Julie]

http://beerlala.web-log.nl/ so you can see him in all our little trips. If you want because there are alot of them :-)

[Abbey H]

I'm so happy that you posted about all of this. I was recently talking with a friend about the 'white cube' affect of blogs- how blogs are very much like sterile gallery spaces. I don't know where I was going with this exactly, but thanks for being so honest. It's much appreciated. :) Abbey

[Rachel]

If I could give a round of applause via blogland I would! What amazing realizations these are! GOOD FOR YOU!!! Does it sound weird to say that I'm proud of you when I don't know you? Well, too bad, I am. Thank you SO much, once again, for your transparency here. I think it is precisely due to that evil perfectionism that we women do not even open up to one another about such matters as posted here. Thank you for bringing them forth. This is so SO good. Even in blogland...a community can be built. Woo hoo!!

[Helen]

Wow, great post! Thank you. I needed that little boost today.

x Helen

[Jodi]

I just read this post (and your original post) and just wanted to thank you for sharing--truly SHARING. Your honesty and warmth are thirst quenching. Really wonderful.
xo jodi

[domnauer@optonline.net]

Wow, you are amazing. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts--I have many of the same feelings and I'm so in awe of your openness and willingness to share. You are something really special. You make me feel as though I'm not alone about feeling inadequate as a mom and feeling like an underachiever in the creative craft dept! You are brave to talk about the good and the bad, not just the good. I wish I could be as brave as you are! I am a new blogger and you have inspired me. Best, Teresa www.splendidbluewren.blogspot.com